summer come soon

currently i am laying out on samfords quad, and it is somewhere around 60 degrees outside. it is absolutely perfect. i would much prefer to skip past this whole early spring time and go straight to early summer. where my life will consist of no makeup, sleeveless dresses, and lazy days laying out by the pool or beach. i am ignoring the fact that i'm going to have to get a job this summer, and simply focusing on the lazy aspect of it. it's going to be perfect.

hormones

honestly though? there isn't much i wouldn't do right now for a solid snog. however last time i did that i really didn't have strong enough feelings for the person. and i have no real passionate feelings towards anybody right now. so i guess i will just have to wait. also. sidebar. i love boys with tattoos and piercings. somebody was a little taken aback by that the other day. i realize that i come across as little miss innocent. but ever since i was little i wanted outrageous haircuts with different colours streaked through it, a quarter sleeve, and plenty of ear piercings. maybe even a monroe. perhaps even gauged ears. call me crazy, but i just love that.

vulnerable

This is something that I have been terrified to say for a very long time. So I'm being absolutely vulnerable. One of my biggest fears in life is my father not being alive for my wedding. And I'm scared that that fear is going to become a reality. All I want is for my daddy to walk me down the aisle.

we are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend

-robert louis stevenson

outgo

the other night i was sitting on a bench overlooking the quad minding my own business when i heard something. it was singing, and it was opera, and it was beautiful. the way the buildings are set up make the acoustics in this particular area of the quad fantastic. this guy must not have seen me because he kept singing, and i watched as he crossed the quad. then he spotted me. and he stopped singing. all i wanted to do was shout to him that he had a beautiful voice, but i stopped myself. if i could change one thing about myself i would wish for the ability to hold conversations with strangers. instead i tense up and get awkward. why would i stop myself from telling this guy that he had a beautiful voice? it's a compliment. everybody likes to hear those. why didn't i just say it?

the road to self discovery

I'm going through a phase of experimentation. And recently I have been trying to decide why that is. Could it be because I'm bitter about the poor health of my father? I went with that for a while, but I've always known that I'm really not bitter about it. It's life. It happens. There's nothing I can do to stop it. So I came to the conclusion that there has to be another reason why I'm doing this. It finally hit me around 3 o'clock this morning and I got up and wrote it on a sticky note so I would remember in the morning.

I want to know who I am before I die

People make life altering decisions based on a self that they have never truly gotten to know. And I think the thing that has made me realize this most is my fear of marrying the wrong person. Think about it. How am I supposed to know what man is most compatible with me if I don't even know myself? So that's what I'm doing. I'm on the road to self discovery. And I'm inviting you to join me.

"the world will carry on without you when you’re gone so you might as well love as much as you can, right now."
-I Wrote This For You

go colts!

superbowl XXXXIV 2010

breakdown

lets just face it. this has been a long time coming. i've even been planning for this blog, thinking about what i was going to write about. i had a different picture all picked out but for some reason when i came across this one it just made more sense. and now that i'm sitting down to write this the words aren't there. i think i'm really upset that my dad is sick but i don't let anybody know how im feeling about that. i don't cry anymore and i used to blubber on about everything. i'm realizing that i put the entirety of my self worth in the eyes of those around me, so when i'm not being poured into i just go into introvert mode and feel sorry for myself. so then i dive into the first thing that comes around that gives me the least bit of attention. and the sad thing is that i know how absolutely preposterous that sounds. it is absolutely ridiculous. especially because i shouldn't be searching for my self worth in anybody thats here. but i don't even talk to God anymore. tonight is the first time in i don't know how long that i've actually opened my bible for something besides my biblical perspectives class. and it makes me sad that i have to be this broken for me to turn back to my savior when i have known all along that he's been there for me. it always happens this way. and i always think it's going to be different this time. but for some reason i never quite stick to my guns. things start getting good and i'm still so thankful to him, but then things continue on being good and i just kind of let it go. it's ridiculous. so this time i'm not making promises. i'm going to take it day by day and make baby steps. no attempt at a significant life change, just taking it as it comes.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails"
Proverbs 19:21

air

i want to be her. out in the wide open spaces. not alone, but she really isn't either. the photographer is there. i just don't know who i'd want to be there with. my best friend? my potential boyfriend? a family member? all i know is that i don't want to be alone. but i do want to feel insignificantly significant. do i contradict myself? very well then, i contradict myself.

windows

something i absolutely love is places that i spend a lot of times with windows. i really want my kitchen sink to face my backyard so that when i'm doing dishes i can see my wildflower garden, watch the seasons change and my children play. i also want a reading nook somewhere in my home where i can just go curl up and lay in the sunlight through the window and read and most likely fall asleep.

something i absolutely don't understand is the entirety of the male species. seriously though. all i ever wanted was some consistency.