the never ending

it's amazing how your world can stop turning. the most amazing thing? is that it doesn't for everybody else. everybody else moves on and their life continues as normal. yours doesn't. you're stuck in this rut where you walk around like a zombie. and you dont understand how other people go on functioning. you put on this wonderful facade of functionality, but you're just a shell. going through the motions that had become your routine. and you realize how truly meaningless your life is. you're stagnant. just coasting. and thats all youve been doing. you've always been a zombie but you never knew it. everyone elses lives have continued. i'm still here. fighting the never ending onslaught of tidal waves.

the oncoming desolation

some people need to be surrounded by others when they are dealing with something extraordinarily large. even some people who feel like they need to be left alone find that they need people to gather around them and hold them together to make it through. i've always been a very solitary individual, ever since i was little i've always gone off to be by myself. i like to seem like i'm very open with my emotions, but when i'm this broken i just want to be left alone. feel the blows of sadness hit my bare skin and every bit that affects my soul.

the amazing ability

that doesn't mean that it's hit me yet, though. correction, that doesn't mean that i have let it hit me. it's so intriguing that you can hold something as monumental as this at bay. the human mind is such an incredibly powerful thing. however, i'm dreadfully waiting the day that the blow will actually arrive.

the yous that have become mine

It’s weird, coping with the death of a parent. Your world stops spinning, yet you come to the realization at some point that life continues as normal for everyone else. You know that people are looking for some sort of response from you, but you don’t quite know what to say. It doesn’t hit you for a couple days, sometimes you write about it before it’s become a full reality for you. It comes on slowly, and you know that it’s coming, but you can hold it at bay for a little while longer. It creeps, and you struggle to keep it in check. People ask you how you’re doing, and sometimes you respond indignantly. Other times you have to think about why there’s a strange look on their face like they’re treading on thin ice. You think that you should be screaming out to the abyss and questioning why a life was taken, but you realize that there’s a plan in everything. You realize that it’s selfish of you to want them to stay on this earth. You’ve watched them take their last breath, and can reminisce on the good times you’ve had. You spend the last couple hours of their life surrounded by your mother, two brothers, one of their girlfriends, and your father. You talk about the good times that had been spent in each others company, and laugh about favourite movie quotes. And while its tough, you have a myriad of people surrounding you, lifting you up in prayer, and holding you while you weep. You realize that no matter how shitty things are, God is in control, and you are never alone.

If-

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To turn long after they are gone

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt ou,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

the strength that's developing

people are constantly telling me how strong they think i am for handling this so well. i don't really see it. i'm just learning how to deal with a situation that was thrown at me like a curveball. yes, it sucks. but you get over it. you figure out how to handle it and you keep on living. life isn't going to stop for you no matter how tough a situation you're going through. a diamond is formed through extreme pressure. how do we shine unless there is darkness surrounding us?

the sappy teenage drama that lies within me

recently i have been claiming, quite vehemently, about how i am never going to get married. i believe myself to fear commitment, and am deathly afraid of ending up in a non-loving relationship. but here comes that sappy, teenage romance moment. i don't believe i'll ever be able to fully give my heart to another person because i'm convinced it belongs to a boy who has continually rejected it. maybe not all of it. but a big chunk. and it's not fair to whoever i could marry to know that if that boy came strolling back into my life, i would seriously consider going back to him.

you could really make a depressing, adolescent, romance film out of that. add a sad, broken-hearted ending to really make them weep.