12.14.2012

i'm not your star




Today I read an article on Thought Catalog that, as per usual, really struck home with me. The title was “I Can’t Tell You.” The premise of the entry is that the author has an acquaintance that they wish they could come clean with. Confess that they think about the person every day, and despite the fact that they don’t see much of each other – the author misses that person. The writer yearns to tell the admiree – get a yes or no answer just so long as there is an answer. What the writer doesn’t know is that sometimes the answer never comes.

You call the person crying about something, just hoping they’ll ask what’s really wrong because this shouldn’t be that upsetting. They don’t. Maybe it’s because you had just met their girlfriend a few days ago and they think you should know better than to think things would be like they were. But that can’t be it – he’s tried to convince you for years to marry him. He’s just tired like he said he was.

You finally muster up the “courage” to type out a text - it’s not eloquent, it’s actually quite self deprecating – and it’s definitely not the scene you imagined. You know the one. Where you show up at his apartment in the pouring rain and you look so pathetic that he has no choice but to take you into his arms and murmur the nickname that he had always had for you. Instead you ignore the pit in your stomach that is seemingly screaming at you not to send it and it floats off into cyber space to be delivered to his phone.

It’s late, so it isn’t weird that he doesn’t respond immediately.

24 hours pass. He’s still thinking it through.

48 hours go by. He still can’t think of what to say, right? Planning the perfect response.

It’s been four days and he comments on your facebook status – what is that supposed to mean?

You text him when you’re at a bar with friends because there’s a guy there that looks just like him and he’s dancing with somebody else.  The first one is a playful text, “hey I’m at a bar in Alabama and you should be here!” and then it gets later and you’re demanding that he respond because you need an answer – and there is still nothing. That screaming stomach pit is back and its arms are crossed with the “told you so” look.

Another week passes and there’s still noghint. And you have a breakdown in a bathroom when you’re out with friends and they’re trying to set you up with this guy. He’s cute and he’s great but it’s not the same. Your friend takes you by the shoulders and says “if he hasn’t answere by now – I think that’s an answer in and of itself.” And you realize you’ve been holding on to the hope that he would call and tell you he chose you. But that phone call isn’t coming.

Then a text comes – but it’s a mass text and it’s that he finally got a twitter account. And you reply, because you need to hear from him. It’s like a drug. And you tell yourself that being friends is better than nothing because he means that much to you.

So you go on a few dates – one of them even makes you think you’ll get over it. You think about it and realize it’s because he reminds you of the one and he’s just a temporary replacement - a consolation prize. Then you read the thought catalog article and you’re back to square one.

The worst part of it is that you saw it coming. How? Because in your song they don’t end up together. But you still sit there in that deep true melancholy wishing things had ended differently for you two because you two were different.

Even worse. You know you’ll see him at your brothers wedding, and you keep imagining the scenario in your head. How he’ll ask you to dance. And he’ll tell you he’s sorry. And he’ll kiss you and it will be perfect.

You’re a train wreck. And you know it. And it’s probably worse that you did tell him.

12.12.2012

on your porch - the format


something that breaks my heart during the christmas/holiday season is when people complain about going home and having to "deal" with their families. my family was far from perfect, and we still don't come anywhere near functional. but looking back at my freshman year of college, the only year i came home from college before dad got sick, i am beyond grateful that i did not dread but rather so looked forward to coming home to spend time with my family. as wildly dysfunctional as we are, i am assured with all of my being that my family loves me and i love them right back. we're a group that recognizes how messed up we are and we can laugh about our imperfections. absolutely we had screaming matches where one member of the family would leave the house to take a drive and you didn't know when they would come back - but the point is they came back and all was forgiven. but these days i don't get to come home and spend time with my dad for thanksgiving, my birthday, or christmas. and yet people grumble about having to spend time with their families. people have no clue how lucky they are that their family is going to be all together this season. but despite the fact that i don't have the pleasure of having my daddy here for a third christmas, i am beyond blessed by the people that are still here and i will cherish every single moment that i have with each person because you never know when it could be the last time you see them.

12.10.2012

hopeless wanderer


As a human, I would like to state that humans are the absolute worst. Here we exist with this Creator that loves us unconditionally and desires for us to find our value and significance in Him, and we continually forget it. Why do we constantly stray from the fact that we have a savior that wants to love us unconditionally without end? There's no sound reasoning behind it. Yet here I sit, a week after a beautiful quiet time where I was reminded to seek my value from the one who gave me life, and that fact has already strayed from my mind. Matthew 10:29 & 31 states "What is the price of two sparrows - one copper coin? but not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it [...] So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows." And yet here I sit, eagerly awaiting wall posts and retweets in order to fulfill my need for a sense of worth. We are beyond flawed. But despite my shortcomings, I am ever grateful for a savior that unceasingly chases after my heart.