changes

a lot of people have been telling me that they don't understand how i'm dealing with this whole situation. but in all reality it's made me grow. life isn't always perfect, and shit happens to everybody. its how you deal with it that helps you become who you are. who wants to be who they were five years ago? definitely not me. i would be a pubescent mess. and nobody likes that.

accomplished

Today I got so much stuff done. I am absolutely proud of myself. I am almost positive that I am going to be moving to Orlando within the next week and a half, all I have tomorrow is a meeting that will basically give me the final answer. Today I was setting up meetings, emailing my professors, emailing the heads of departments, and everything. I just feel so proud of myself. I never do this kind of stuff. So tonight, I went to get Krispy Kreme as a reward.

please

do me a favour and don't fall in love with me. it's the worst thing you could do for yourself right now. honestly. i'm just a silly girl who knows she can't settle down right now. i'm too young and too full of life to be tied down. let me roam free. if it's meant to be it will happen. i'm just not quite ready yet. please let that be okay. i still have no idea who i am and i don't think that final realization will come for a long time.

the story of the heroine

my life feels like a movie. this can't be happening to me. except in my movie, there is no knight in shining armour to hold me up. i am the heroine, needing to be strong and learning to stand on her own two feet. gaining independence. figuring out how to survive through insufferable amounts of pain. but i can't help but hope that its just a dream and soon i'll wake up and everything will be better again.

the only word that makes sense

two months.

crossroads

i am having to decide within the next month (approximately) if i want to move home and attend a school that is closer to my family, or stay at samford. honestly? if i were to really do something i would move somewhere far far away and leave everything behind and start new. this is miserable having to choose what to do, because any way i decide people get hurt. so maybe if i just hurt everyone it would be a lot easier to do. what do i do. can somebody just tell me what the right decision is?

the future

as is normal for people my age, i have been doing a lot of thinking about my future. above, is a picture of it. hopefully. a life full of books and cats is all i want. i realize i've become quite obsessed with cats lately, but i finally realized why that is. i am such an independent person and more often than not need alone time and space, very much like a cat. i also love literature. which is why i can absolutely see myself as either an English teacher, or more likely as a Librarian. i would love nothing less than a house full of books. with a room like the library in beauty and the beast where all the walls consist of only books. sigh. old librarian cat lady life? yes please.

idiotic

sometimes i feel like such a dunce. i finally do something to go out of my comfort zone and i end up feeling like such an imbecile. when what i did really isnt even all that weird or out of the normal. i'm just doing what normal people who are close do and either telling them something reminded me of them, or that i think they would like a certain band. but i have to legitimately force myself to say it. i've just never been that friend that goes out and randomly texts you, except with a very select few people. it's silly really. and i realize how idiotic it is that i feel idiotic about it. my life is a never ending paradox.

the car ride leading to my joy

today i go home. and i cannot even wait. i will literally be surrounded by every single person that i love and it is going to be glorious. i have a car ride with someone i absolutely adore spending time with. and then i get home to my family who i've been dying without. and then i'm at the beach with the best roofriendie in the world. and then i get to see my best friend. along with her magnificent boyfriend and his best friend. life. thank you for being so awesome right now.

...

it is so difficult trying to get across how i want people to react to me. on the one hand i want most people to just leave me alone. i get more pitying looks in a day than i think people should get in a lifetime. i'm fully aware of my circumstances. i don't need your looks and wrist grabs to remind me when i've finally blocked it from my mind. on the other hand, i want a very select few to shake me till i fall to my knees weeping because it's too much to hold onto. and yet another people i want to understand is that it kills me daily to not be with my family at this point in my life. put yourself in my shoes. would you transfer closer to home to get the same degree but yet be closer to your family? stop asking why i want to transfer and telling me that you would die without me here. it's a difficult enough decision in itself without incorporating the opinions of everyone around me.

conflict

all i really want in life is to fall utterly and happily in love. and yet i am completely terrified of the day that that is going to happen.

business matters

i guess i have a few orders of business i must attend to. i dont want this blog to become something that i feel like i have to explain myself on. i dont want people to read this to figure out what's going on in my life. thats what actual communication is for. if you want to know what's happening, ask me personally. i also don't want to feel like i have to be constantly updating. then posts just become posts that lack passion and purpose. that's not why i am doing this. i want to blog because i want a place that i can put my thoughts that don't make sense in normal day-to-day conversation.

spring break. hurry.

utterly applicable.

the elephant in the room

I think I need to be done not talking about it. Not that I was never NOT talking about it. I just didn't talk about it much for the sake of other people. Because in your defense, I wouldn't know what to say either. But that doesn't mean I should just ignore it. It's the single most important thing that is going on in my life right now. I think you can handle that. My dad is dying of lung cancer. And as much as that sucks, it's my life and effects most decisions that I make. So if I'm blatant about it, don't be shocked or offended. Just know that I'm finally done avoiding the elephant that is taking up the entirety of every space I enter.

currently feeling

all i want to do is transfer to ucf. i'm so done with this. /dramatics

aging youth

"I am so baffled by youth. It's adulthood, but it's almost like it's not real. It fades so quickly. Even by age 30, most people look different, more weathered. Laugh lines, wrinkles, not to mention internal withering away - these all happen in adulthood, too. But not in youth. You grow up to your full height and size and pretty much your features too, but then it deteriorates. You reach an all time high, then immediately start the downward spiral.... And these two people, girl and guy, walked by, teasing each other. He had on a dress shirt, and she looked nice too. But they were flirt-hitting, you know, and it got me thinking how we're grown up, but still young, and how quickly this stage fades. I mean we're only 20, and have so much shit to experience and go through and so many lessons still to learn. And yet we're adults. and yet, while we experience the rest of life, we'll be coming down from our peak, our youth - this time."

-Sarah Beltran

[http://sarahashleyb.wordpress.com/]
Aka my roommate freshman year. Basically, I am obsessed with her. NBD.
I love having friends I can have intelligent conversations with :]

Dear You,

I know that you know I'm not okay. All I want is for you to ask me until I finally admit it to you. I understand that you don't have the right words. Just get me say no and hold me. The words aren't what I need right now.

Love always,
Me

missed.

Is it possible to miss somebody that you have never met? I certainly think so. Think about it. If you talk to an individual fairly regularly, and you go a couple days without talking, you miss them. You don't have to be missing their face or their voice, just the comfort in their words. An exchange of a thought that you know the other person would appreciate.

jaded

"I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice; it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die. The storybooks are bullshit." - Moonstruck

catnap

three hours of sleep? not so bueno. so i can only blame myself. but class is now done (yes it's only 11:40. loves it) and i am already laying in my bed. it is going to be a nap of epic proportions. oh to be a cat and just lay around and sleep all day without a care in the world.