when a heart breaks - ben rector

after struggling through a complete emotional breakdown tonight, i realized why i had neglected writing for such a long period of time. i write what i think and what i feel with almost no restraint, having been taught that honesty is the best policy. plus, maybe there's someone out there who feels exactly the way that i do and is afraid to admit it because they feel alone. if they come here they will find that there is somebody equally as messed up in the head as they are. so after my dad passed away, i couldn't write honestly about how i was feeling without actually dealing with what was going on in my life. so i ignored it, suppressed it, did everything i could to ignore the fact that i had to go through a mourning process where i would feel sad a lot of the time. i sat down to write the other day and almost wrote about how i felt like a shell of what i used to be, there was nothing for me to write about because i couldn't feel anything. the only other topic i could think about was my sadness, and who wants to read about that? but this isn't for other people. this is for me. getting my thoughts and feelings out there into the abyss and off of my chest. so here's to a change of feeling. or perhaps not. i have no idea what direction this is going to take. perhaps a very dark and depressing one, and more likely than not one that is written from first person (much to the dismay of my professors). so here's to grieving, whatever that may entail.

postscript: this is what i blogged exactly one year ago today [http://blarsong.blogspot.com/2010/02/road-to-self-discovery.html] february 9th seems to be the day i choose to figure myself out