changes

a lot of people have been telling me that they don't understand how i'm dealing with this whole situation. but in all reality it's made me grow. life isn't always perfect, and shit happens to everybody. its how you deal with it that helps you become who you are. who wants to be who they were five years ago? definitely not me. i would be a pubescent mess. and nobody likes that.

accomplished

Today I got so much stuff done. I am absolutely proud of myself. I am almost positive that I am going to be moving to Orlando within the next week and a half, all I have tomorrow is a meeting that will basically give me the final answer. Today I was setting up meetings, emailing my professors, emailing the heads of departments, and everything. I just feel so proud of myself. I never do this kind of stuff. So tonight, I went to get Krispy Kreme as a reward.

please

do me a favour and don't fall in love with me. it's the worst thing you could do for yourself right now. honestly. i'm just a silly girl who knows she can't settle down right now. i'm too young and too full of life to be tied down. let me roam free. if it's meant to be it will happen. i'm just not quite ready yet. please let that be okay. i still have no idea who i am and i don't think that final realization will come for a long time.

the story of the heroine

my life feels like a movie. this can't be happening to me. except in my movie, there is no knight in shining armour to hold me up. i am the heroine, needing to be strong and learning to stand on her own two feet. gaining independence. figuring out how to survive through insufferable amounts of pain. but i can't help but hope that its just a dream and soon i'll wake up and everything will be better again.

the only word that makes sense

two months.

crossroads

i am having to decide within the next month (approximately) if i want to move home and attend a school that is closer to my family, or stay at samford. honestly? if i were to really do something i would move somewhere far far away and leave everything behind and start new. this is miserable having to choose what to do, because any way i decide people get hurt. so maybe if i just hurt everyone it would be a lot easier to do. what do i do. can somebody just tell me what the right decision is?

the future

as is normal for people my age, i have been doing a lot of thinking about my future. above, is a picture of it. hopefully. a life full of books and cats is all i want. i realize i've become quite obsessed with cats lately, but i finally realized why that is. i am such an independent person and more often than not need alone time and space, very much like a cat. i also love literature. which is why i can absolutely see myself as either an English teacher, or more likely as a Librarian. i would love nothing less than a house full of books. with a room like the library in beauty and the beast where all the walls consist of only books. sigh. old librarian cat lady life? yes please.

idiotic

sometimes i feel like such a dunce. i finally do something to go out of my comfort zone and i end up feeling like such an imbecile. when what i did really isnt even all that weird or out of the normal. i'm just doing what normal people who are close do and either telling them something reminded me of them, or that i think they would like a certain band. but i have to legitimately force myself to say it. i've just never been that friend that goes out and randomly texts you, except with a very select few people. it's silly really. and i realize how idiotic it is that i feel idiotic about it. my life is a never ending paradox.

the car ride leading to my joy

today i go home. and i cannot even wait. i will literally be surrounded by every single person that i love and it is going to be glorious. i have a car ride with someone i absolutely adore spending time with. and then i get home to my family who i've been dying without. and then i'm at the beach with the best roofriendie in the world. and then i get to see my best friend. along with her magnificent boyfriend and his best friend. life. thank you for being so awesome right now.

...

it is so difficult trying to get across how i want people to react to me. on the one hand i want most people to just leave me alone. i get more pitying looks in a day than i think people should get in a lifetime. i'm fully aware of my circumstances. i don't need your looks and wrist grabs to remind me when i've finally blocked it from my mind. on the other hand, i want a very select few to shake me till i fall to my knees weeping because it's too much to hold onto. and yet another people i want to understand is that it kills me daily to not be with my family at this point in my life. put yourself in my shoes. would you transfer closer to home to get the same degree but yet be closer to your family? stop asking why i want to transfer and telling me that you would die without me here. it's a difficult enough decision in itself without incorporating the opinions of everyone around me.