permanence

I really struggle with the idea of permanence. Everything in life is so transitory, you don't really think about the fact that things can become forever. I think that's why we struggle with the idea of death. Frinds come and go, and come back again. Illnesses can, a lot of the time, be cured. People who die don't ever come back. Sometimes I'll think of my dad and some funny witticism I'd like to share with hi, and it hits me all over again that I'm never going to be able to see or talk to him on this earth again. Michael Jackson is never going to sing another song. Brittany Murphy is never again going to be in a low budget movie. Never is the word that scares us the most. Though, forever puts up a tough fight.

the notes that touch us

Music was made to touch your soul, to wrench your heart right out of your chest and palpitate in your hand just to teach you that you’re alive. It’s supposed to relate to you in a way that only you will ever be able to understand, and you know that nobody will ever be able to appreciate it quite as much as you do. You’re supposed to love it so much it makes you hate that you love it as much as you do. It makes it so that all you want to do is meet the artist and hug them and look them straight into their eyes and tell them that they’ve touched you in a way that will never be rivaled.

the ones who get out of bed

grief strikes everyone in different ways. some deal with it by delving into addictions of some sort. others by lying in bed for months. others yet staying there ages and never getting out. avoiding the topic. obsessing the topic. these are the things often thought of when grief comes to mind. but where are the stories of the people that find strength in faith or companionship. where are the tales of the individuals that get out of bed. the ones that acknowledge the fact that their loved one want them wasting away their life that they were stripped of.

the homeland

sometimes i try to run away from the things that are the best for me. i forsake them in an effort to break free of my norm and be my own person. there is a certain group of boys that i have loved since day one of my collegiate career, and they call themselves the 2e boys. no matter where i wander off to, i somehow am always led right back to them. they are the biggest blessing i have ever experienced. they have been there for me in every way imaginable, and no matter how far i have strayed from them they will always be there for me when i come running back. they're my family. my boys. and could never be replaced in all of eternity.

written thoughts

when apologizing. or whatever it is you need to do. i find that writing is the best medium. you can get angry when you're reading the letter, but you're not face to face so you don't blow up and make a fool of yourself. any sort of immediate response is just not a good idea in my opinion. think it out. write it out. say everything you need to say with a level head. proof read it before you send it. because that way you're saying what you REALLY mean, rather than what your emotions are telling you to say. and that way there's no time for interruptions. you get to get everything out without the other person stopping you before you have made your real point. and vice versa. it's just smarter. and that's all i have to say about that.

wanderer

i haven't posted much recently. i don't have a good reason why. i've just been meandering through life without purpose or the desire to find said purpose. simply wandering. and it's starting to terrify me. people say that you don't have to know what you're doing with your life at the age of 20, and i couldn't agree more. that doesn't mean i'm happy with the fact that i have no idea who i am or who i want to be. i'm just the shell of a human, walking around like a zombie, going through the daily routine. like i'm waiting for some catalyst to come and change my life. but it isn't going to come. there is no certain thing thats going to spur my life into action. it needs to come from within. i just need to start searching, rather than wandering.

the single me

i've said this before, and i'm saying it now, and i will most likely say it again. i adore being a single lady. and the reason i advocate this so much is because i don't know myself well enough to devote my life to another person. and honestly i don't think very many people do at this point in their life. yes, they can love somebody. but devote the rest of their life to them? i'm hesitant to believe it. i have changed so much in the past year, not just because of extreme circumstances, but as an individual in and of myself. and i'm most likely going to continue with these major changes until i'm out of college. yes, you do change throughout the entire course of your life, but i know that at some point i'm going to have a much firmer grasp on who I am. and how am i supposed to know what kind guy i want to spend the rest of my life with if i don't know who i'm spending the rest of the rest of my life with on my own?

let's just face it. i'm an old maid in the making.

romanticism to marxism

i'm sitting in my bed reading about the ideals of the revolution and the spark of romanticism in france from my norton anthology of world literature. and some things just never make sense to me. people try so hard not to become the thing that they believe to be pure evil, and they end up becoming exactly that. my anthology states that during this time period, "Repressiveness now became the fearful enemy, uniformity the menace." what happened not 100 years after Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason? Karl Marx comes around. marxism lead to the revolution that ended in everyone being the exact same person. nobody was better than everybody else. you were uniform. what happened to those ideals they held so true to before? they were lost in the obsession to not become uniform.

yep. i'm a nerd.

expose

i'm going through this phase where i am convinced i'm never getting married. i tell people that the reason is because you can achieve deep, meaningful relationships through community, and that i don't need some man to complete me. but the deep down, honest truth is that i'm scared. i am terrified that i will never find somebody to share my every thought with. that my thought processes are not like those of others. that they are so wildly out of the norm nobody will understand them. or that if they do, they won't want to hear them from me. and no matter how sad it is, i can't just accept that somebody will love me enough to get to my very core. so, future husband (whoever and wherever you may be), the wall around my innermost self is quite tall. however, it is also very fragile and quite easily dismantled with the right words and actions.

Ed Thomas

So I'm watching the Espys (surprising, I know) but I just want to say that I am so impressed by the Thomas family. What a testimony! Their father was murdered and they showed compassion and love towards the murderers family. That is how a Christian family is supposed to look. And though the situations are drastically different (I can't imagine how it would be to have my father taken away from me so suddenly) I get that feeling that God is still in control despite the insanity that surrounds you. You don't get it, but you just put your faith in the One who is bigger than your life. SO impressed that their story was told in that venue.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm obsessed with the Old Spice commercials. HIYAH