reasoning

i was recently talking to a friend, and he told me that he had read my blog. i got really self conscious about the fact that he had read it. i've had some very honest moments on here. i started it not really thinking that people would actually read it. i realize that i advertise it but i just never would have thought people would be curious enough to follow it. i guess i was proven wrong. this friend of mine had to convince me that it's not something to feel awkward about. and i thought about it. and i knew that was true (he only speaks the truth, duh. and he's always right). so i decided to find out the reason as to why i was blogging. why put my intimate thoughts out there for the entirety of the world to see?

something that is very important to me in relationships is knowing that person down to their deepest depths. i thought i was in love with a guy for four years because we have one of those relationships where we can just talk about anything and everything. nothing is taboo. and i understand him. through thinking through this, i've come to realize that people don't know me. i'm piss poor at expressing myself. and this is a great means in which to do that.

so hello world. im rebekah larson. and i'm ready for you to see my heart.

meow

seriously. i never thought i'd see the day where i actually wanted a cat. i don't know what's happened to me. all of a sudden. BOOM. i adore cats. not more than puppies, duh. but still i want one. courtney and i are already know where its litter box could go in our current room. when i have my own cats i know exactly what i want to name them. i want a tabby named Withy, to be named after Mrs Withers, and an all black cat named Marvolo, after Tom Marvolo Riddle... I Am Voldemort. genius, right? right. i am going to be an old cat lady. my fate is set in stone.

anna and kristina don't you dare judge me.

honesty

seriously. this is exactly how i feel. i would so much rather you just tell me that you think our friendship is going down the drain rather than just dropping it like it never mattered to you. i think it shows that you really cared about me as a person and our friendship as a whole if you let me know. yes, i'll be hurt. but i'd rather be hurt by your honesty rather than by your betrayal.

battered v loved

I was talking to a friend the other day about pride in possessions. I'm pestering him, almost daily, to read The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger. I told him that he could borrow my copy if he wanted to. Then we both kind of stopped and he said that no, he would buy his own. He likes having his own copy of everything and have it on display. And immediately when I offered to borrow him my book, I thought that I wouldn't like to do that. I love my books. I underline quotes, make notes referencing other parts of the book to indicate foreshadowing, and write my opinions in the margins. I cannot wait till I have a library where the walls are filled with books,that have been obviously read several times. A book that looks brand new doesn't make me happy. It makes me feel like that book hasn't been touched once. A book that's been read several times may look as though its been battered to other people, but I think that it looks loved.

sun will rise

I think I'm ready to go back to growing up, in the maturity sense of the world. I don't regret anything that has happened to me within the past year. I've thoroughly enjoyed every single "drunkcapade" as I've come to affectionately call them. I made some fantastic friends through these journeys. I'm so much more fun when I've had a few in me. However, I can learn how to be that without the help of alcohol. I'll miss falling asleep in the arms of a cute boy, kissing my nose and telling me he thinks I'm beautiful and worth so much more than what I believe. But how much more enjoyable will that be when it's the love of my life? I can't say I'm going to miss the marijuana. Ew. Those three experiences were some of the worst in my life. I also can't say that I'm making a promise here. I'm not going to sit here an guarantee that I'll attend parties within the next 10 months and not have a drink. Or that I won't go ahead and kiss a boy that I have no feelings for. Just that I'm not going to base my weekends around these activities anymore, because I don't want those things to define me, and I don't want to depend on them for a "good time". So. Here goes nothing. Hello again, world.

Three Years, Three Months, Twenty Six Days

וליובל

"Valuable" in Hebrew.

At least I'm pretty sure. I'm checking with my professor today to see if that's the correct spelling.

The story

As most people know, I struggled with self mutilation for somewhere around three years total. On October 28th, 2006 I took a razor and wrote "worthless" on my forearm. I was then surrounded by people who loved me, and I finally got it through my head that through my trying to keep my pain to myself, I was hurting the people that I was trying to save from my hurt.

Ever since I hit my one year mark, I've been wanting to get a tattoo on my wrist as a reminder of the struggle I have overcome. And I think that an antonym of worthless, valuable, is appropriate.

Why I'm not returning to Kanakuk this summer.

Two weeks before I left to work for third term staff at k2, my family was hit with some news. They found cancer in my dad's lung. One week before I left, we found out it had metastasized onto both his hip and his brain.

I have always known that cancer was bad. However I learned something new about cancer when my dad was diagnosed. You never get rid of stage four cancer. My dad has been, unknowingly, battling stage four lung cancer for about two years (or so the doctors assume). Over this January while I was at home, my dad had a bunch of doctors appointments. Since I was going to be returning to school, my parents wanted to make sure that I knew everything that was going on. The first thing they told me was that the disease was only going to go downhill from here. At this point, the cancer is only going to get more aggressive. After the first round of tests, we found out that the cancer had spread through different parts of his body. However, right before I left to go back to school we found out that the lesions in his brain had gone down significantly, which is such good news. So we're trying radiation on his hip to at least get rid of it there since its interfering with his ability to walk. And he's trying a new type of chemo, since they suggest switching that up in order to better fight the cancer.

Time with my family has become first priority. It's hard enough as it is to leave from home every time I come back up to school. I'm not going to give up my summer when I could be spending time with my dad. They also asked me to stay home. So as much as I want to work at Kamp, it just wouldn't be a good summer to do that. I'm not trying to make anybody feel bad. I just don't appreciate constantly being asked why I'm not returning to kamp.

So, how to pray for me (if that's your thing). Personally, I don't want prayers of miraculous healing for my dad. More likely than not he's going to die of lung cancer. And as harsh as that may sound, I just have to come to terms with my reality. If I could ask for prayer, it would be that I can accept God's will, no matter what that may be. He has a plan, and I intend on holding onto that plan.

Sorry if this came out as really cold and distant, it's just the easiest way to get things out there.

beloved

Dear You,

i love you. i have for quite some time. and i know you're happy where you're at. and that makes me so glad for you. honestly. but just know, that if given the chance, i would drop everything just to be with you.

love, me.

summer come soon

currently i am laying out on samfords quad, and it is somewhere around 60 degrees outside. it is absolutely perfect. i would much prefer to skip past this whole early spring time and go straight to early summer. where my life will consist of no makeup, sleeveless dresses, and lazy days laying out by the pool or beach. i am ignoring the fact that i'm going to have to get a job this summer, and simply focusing on the lazy aspect of it. it's going to be perfect.

hormones

honestly though? there isn't much i wouldn't do right now for a solid snog. however last time i did that i really didn't have strong enough feelings for the person. and i have no real passionate feelings towards anybody right now. so i guess i will just have to wait. also. sidebar. i love boys with tattoos and piercings. somebody was a little taken aback by that the other day. i realize that i come across as little miss innocent. but ever since i was little i wanted outrageous haircuts with different colours streaked through it, a quarter sleeve, and plenty of ear piercings. maybe even a monroe. perhaps even gauged ears. call me crazy, but i just love that.

vulnerable

This is something that I have been terrified to say for a very long time. So I'm being absolutely vulnerable. One of my biggest fears in life is my father not being alive for my wedding. And I'm scared that that fear is going to become a reality. All I want is for my daddy to walk me down the aisle.

we are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend

-robert louis stevenson

outgo

the other night i was sitting on a bench overlooking the quad minding my own business when i heard something. it was singing, and it was opera, and it was beautiful. the way the buildings are set up make the acoustics in this particular area of the quad fantastic. this guy must not have seen me because he kept singing, and i watched as he crossed the quad. then he spotted me. and he stopped singing. all i wanted to do was shout to him that he had a beautiful voice, but i stopped myself. if i could change one thing about myself i would wish for the ability to hold conversations with strangers. instead i tense up and get awkward. why would i stop myself from telling this guy that he had a beautiful voice? it's a compliment. everybody likes to hear those. why didn't i just say it?

the road to self discovery

I'm going through a phase of experimentation. And recently I have been trying to decide why that is. Could it be because I'm bitter about the poor health of my father? I went with that for a while, but I've always known that I'm really not bitter about it. It's life. It happens. There's nothing I can do to stop it. So I came to the conclusion that there has to be another reason why I'm doing this. It finally hit me around 3 o'clock this morning and I got up and wrote it on a sticky note so I would remember in the morning.

I want to know who I am before I die

People make life altering decisions based on a self that they have never truly gotten to know. And I think the thing that has made me realize this most is my fear of marrying the wrong person. Think about it. How am I supposed to know what man is most compatible with me if I don't even know myself? So that's what I'm doing. I'm on the road to self discovery. And I'm inviting you to join me.

"the world will carry on without you when you’re gone so you might as well love as much as you can, right now."
-I Wrote This For You

go colts!

superbowl XXXXIV 2010

breakdown

lets just face it. this has been a long time coming. i've even been planning for this blog, thinking about what i was going to write about. i had a different picture all picked out but for some reason when i came across this one it just made more sense. and now that i'm sitting down to write this the words aren't there. i think i'm really upset that my dad is sick but i don't let anybody know how im feeling about that. i don't cry anymore and i used to blubber on about everything. i'm realizing that i put the entirety of my self worth in the eyes of those around me, so when i'm not being poured into i just go into introvert mode and feel sorry for myself. so then i dive into the first thing that comes around that gives me the least bit of attention. and the sad thing is that i know how absolutely preposterous that sounds. it is absolutely ridiculous. especially because i shouldn't be searching for my self worth in anybody thats here. but i don't even talk to God anymore. tonight is the first time in i don't know how long that i've actually opened my bible for something besides my biblical perspectives class. and it makes me sad that i have to be this broken for me to turn back to my savior when i have known all along that he's been there for me. it always happens this way. and i always think it's going to be different this time. but for some reason i never quite stick to my guns. things start getting good and i'm still so thankful to him, but then things continue on being good and i just kind of let it go. it's ridiculous. so this time i'm not making promises. i'm going to take it day by day and make baby steps. no attempt at a significant life change, just taking it as it comes.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails"
Proverbs 19:21

air

i want to be her. out in the wide open spaces. not alone, but she really isn't either. the photographer is there. i just don't know who i'd want to be there with. my best friend? my potential boyfriend? a family member? all i know is that i don't want to be alone. but i do want to feel insignificantly significant. do i contradict myself? very well then, i contradict myself.