breakdown

lets just face it. this has been a long time coming. i've even been planning for this blog, thinking about what i was going to write about. i had a different picture all picked out but for some reason when i came across this one it just made more sense. and now that i'm sitting down to write this the words aren't there. i think i'm really upset that my dad is sick but i don't let anybody know how im feeling about that. i don't cry anymore and i used to blubber on about everything. i'm realizing that i put the entirety of my self worth in the eyes of those around me, so when i'm not being poured into i just go into introvert mode and feel sorry for myself. so then i dive into the first thing that comes around that gives me the least bit of attention. and the sad thing is that i know how absolutely preposterous that sounds. it is absolutely ridiculous. especially because i shouldn't be searching for my self worth in anybody thats here. but i don't even talk to God anymore. tonight is the first time in i don't know how long that i've actually opened my bible for something besides my biblical perspectives class. and it makes me sad that i have to be this broken for me to turn back to my savior when i have known all along that he's been there for me. it always happens this way. and i always think it's going to be different this time. but for some reason i never quite stick to my guns. things start getting good and i'm still so thankful to him, but then things continue on being good and i just kind of let it go. it's ridiculous. so this time i'm not making promises. i'm going to take it day by day and make baby steps. no attempt at a significant life change, just taking it as it comes.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails"
Proverbs 19:21