permanence

I really struggle with the idea of permanence. Everything in life is so transitory, you don't really think about the fact that things can become forever. I think that's why we struggle with the idea of death. Frinds come and go, and come back again. Illnesses can, a lot of the time, be cured. People who die don't ever come back. Sometimes I'll think of my dad and some funny witticism I'd like to share with hi, and it hits me all over again that I'm never going to be able to see or talk to him on this earth again. Michael Jackson is never going to sing another song. Brittany Murphy is never again going to be in a low budget movie. Never is the word that scares us the most. Though, forever puts up a tough fight.

the notes that touch us

Music was made to touch your soul, to wrench your heart right out of your chest and palpitate in your hand just to teach you that you’re alive. It’s supposed to relate to you in a way that only you will ever be able to understand, and you know that nobody will ever be able to appreciate it quite as much as you do. You’re supposed to love it so much it makes you hate that you love it as much as you do. It makes it so that all you want to do is meet the artist and hug them and look them straight into their eyes and tell them that they’ve touched you in a way that will never be rivaled.

the ones who get out of bed

grief strikes everyone in different ways. some deal with it by delving into addictions of some sort. others by lying in bed for months. others yet staying there ages and never getting out. avoiding the topic. obsessing the topic. these are the things often thought of when grief comes to mind. but where are the stories of the people that find strength in faith or companionship. where are the tales of the individuals that get out of bed. the ones that acknowledge the fact that their loved one want them wasting away their life that they were stripped of.

the homeland

sometimes i try to run away from the things that are the best for me. i forsake them in an effort to break free of my norm and be my own person. there is a certain group of boys that i have loved since day one of my collegiate career, and they call themselves the 2e boys. no matter where i wander off to, i somehow am always led right back to them. they are the biggest blessing i have ever experienced. they have been there for me in every way imaginable, and no matter how far i have strayed from them they will always be there for me when i come running back. they're my family. my boys. and could never be replaced in all of eternity.

written thoughts

when apologizing. or whatever it is you need to do. i find that writing is the best medium. you can get angry when you're reading the letter, but you're not face to face so you don't blow up and make a fool of yourself. any sort of immediate response is just not a good idea in my opinion. think it out. write it out. say everything you need to say with a level head. proof read it before you send it. because that way you're saying what you REALLY mean, rather than what your emotions are telling you to say. and that way there's no time for interruptions. you get to get everything out without the other person stopping you before you have made your real point. and vice versa. it's just smarter. and that's all i have to say about that.

wanderer

i haven't posted much recently. i don't have a good reason why. i've just been meandering through life without purpose or the desire to find said purpose. simply wandering. and it's starting to terrify me. people say that you don't have to know what you're doing with your life at the age of 20, and i couldn't agree more. that doesn't mean i'm happy with the fact that i have no idea who i am or who i want to be. i'm just the shell of a human, walking around like a zombie, going through the daily routine. like i'm waiting for some catalyst to come and change my life. but it isn't going to come. there is no certain thing thats going to spur my life into action. it needs to come from within. i just need to start searching, rather than wandering.

the single me

i've said this before, and i'm saying it now, and i will most likely say it again. i adore being a single lady. and the reason i advocate this so much is because i don't know myself well enough to devote my life to another person. and honestly i don't think very many people do at this point in their life. yes, they can love somebody. but devote the rest of their life to them? i'm hesitant to believe it. i have changed so much in the past year, not just because of extreme circumstances, but as an individual in and of myself. and i'm most likely going to continue with these major changes until i'm out of college. yes, you do change throughout the entire course of your life, but i know that at some point i'm going to have a much firmer grasp on who I am. and how am i supposed to know what kind guy i want to spend the rest of my life with if i don't know who i'm spending the rest of the rest of my life with on my own?

let's just face it. i'm an old maid in the making.

romanticism to marxism

i'm sitting in my bed reading about the ideals of the revolution and the spark of romanticism in france from my norton anthology of world literature. and some things just never make sense to me. people try so hard not to become the thing that they believe to be pure evil, and they end up becoming exactly that. my anthology states that during this time period, "Repressiveness now became the fearful enemy, uniformity the menace." what happened not 100 years after Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason? Karl Marx comes around. marxism lead to the revolution that ended in everyone being the exact same person. nobody was better than everybody else. you were uniform. what happened to those ideals they held so true to before? they were lost in the obsession to not become uniform.

yep. i'm a nerd.

expose

i'm going through this phase where i am convinced i'm never getting married. i tell people that the reason is because you can achieve deep, meaningful relationships through community, and that i don't need some man to complete me. but the deep down, honest truth is that i'm scared. i am terrified that i will never find somebody to share my every thought with. that my thought processes are not like those of others. that they are so wildly out of the norm nobody will understand them. or that if they do, they won't want to hear them from me. and no matter how sad it is, i can't just accept that somebody will love me enough to get to my very core. so, future husband (whoever and wherever you may be), the wall around my innermost self is quite tall. however, it is also very fragile and quite easily dismantled with the right words and actions.

Ed Thomas

So I'm watching the Espys (surprising, I know) but I just want to say that I am so impressed by the Thomas family. What a testimony! Their father was murdered and they showed compassion and love towards the murderers family. That is how a Christian family is supposed to look. And though the situations are drastically different (I can't imagine how it would be to have my father taken away from me so suddenly) I get that feeling that God is still in control despite the insanity that surrounds you. You don't get it, but you just put your faith in the One who is bigger than your life. SO impressed that their story was told in that venue.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm obsessed with the Old Spice commercials. HIYAH

snuggles?

i'm ready to have a boy to sleep next to again. i must not be so awful that nobody is interested. time to take some of halie's self confidence tips.

the miscommunications

i was talking to my mother the other day and she said the only thing she ever wanted was for my dad to love her as much as she loved him. which spurred a thought. sometimes people don't show their love the same way we show ours. we get caught in a miscommunication and our love is lost. stop losing it, start valuing it. no matter if it's how we think it should be, they may be thinking the same exact thing on the other end.

magic

so this post is going to be a bit longer than normal. and it's going to be in bullet point format because that's how i think. i'm going to tell you about a day in the life of, well, me.

• i had a late start to my day, and still had to get my tire filled with air and drive to work which takes about an hour. not a happy start.
• i got pulled over going a lot over the speed limit. lets say 20 over. so clearly the cop is like uhh ma'am you were going pretty fast. long story short, he decides to have grace and just give me a warning. thank the Lord, right?!
• i made it to work with 1 minute to spare, and get put at a kind of lame spot in the store. one of the plain old registers where you don't really do anything, so i have to go out and interact with guests a lot. here are some of those interactions.

1. a man (in his upper 40's lower 50's, married with kids a little younger than me, and foreign) walks over to me and says something along the lines of "I don't mean to offend you but I just had to let you know... you are a very beautiful woman." and i just stopped and stared at him. i don't take compliments very well, but for some reason they matter from complete strangers. i blushed and thanked him, and he smiled and walked away. i held my head a little higher that day.
2. this story may or may not bring a tear to my eye. this little girl was pitching a fit because she wanted one of the yeti balls. her dad comes up to the register to buy some candy and says to me, "I want to buy that yeti, also." now, this guy had a teardrop tattoo by his eye. scary. he goes on to say "I am the happiest I have ever been. just ring it up." so I grabbed one the little girl wasn't holding and rang it up. i ask if he wants a bag, and he replies "no. i want her to think that i just took it for her" so i smile and give him his receipt with his candy and he walks over, takes one of the yeti balls, and sneaks it out of the store. but right before he walks out, he turns around and grins at me. and the little girl followed him out of the store.
3. three brothers came to my register to buy these trading figurines that we have. well the oldest got the one that he wanted so he was done, but the two younger ones wanted one just like their older brother. however they had to trade from the mystery box. but the lady i was working with was being a rule follower and said they could only trade once. so one of them got what they wanted, and the other didn't. a little while later they come back with their dad and a younger brother who wanted a specific one that we didn't have in the store. so he gets one and starts trading. well i broke the rules and let him and his other brother trade until they got one they liked. well the little boy couldn't seem to pick one from the mystery box he liked. so i turn it around, and let him just pick whatever he wanted. the dad looks at me with insurmountable appreciation and mouths 'thank you'. the little boy finally picks one he likes and his face lights up and looks at me and says THANKS!

the moral of the story is, obviously, i love my job. its my job to create magic for these kids. they're at disney world. rules don't apply there. they don't grow a single day they're there. they are supposed to have the most fun a person can have in the world. and it extends to the parents. i still get teary eyed when i see mickey mouse at the forefront of the parade. he's magic. he brings you back to childhood and makes all your dreams come true.

don't give up on a day just because it had a rough start. allow yourself to be joyful despite the circumstances.

realism

sometimes i get sad. and other times angry. most of the time i try to stay positive. but i'm going to be real. who wants a robot, anyway? if you could control me you would get bored. be dynamic. be different. be who you really are and show your true colours. not everyone is happy all the time.

the blessing

recently i've been doing a lot of thinking. and i've been planning on this particular post for most of that reflection period, but Matt Davidson's recent post finally gave me the final push to do so. my life is so blessed. and i know that may come as a shock to a lot of you, seeing as how the two month anniversary of my dad passing was three days ago. but God provides. i'm not saying i've become a super fanatic about living for Christ recently, because sadly that's not the case. but i can definitely see God's hand in my life. it's been tough, but who can say that life's been easy? i have the strength to make it through the day. and i had my dad for a little over 20 years of my life. those years are full of memories of him that i get to reflect on happily. yes there were rough times, but the happy times outweigh them. and now my family and i can exchange stories that dad would have loved, and when something happens we know exactly how dad would have reacted to it. from short cuts, to curse words. he's still present in our every day lives. and what makes everything even better? my family is so close now. we have to be. we've banded together to hold each other up. i honestly can say that i think that my family is the best in the world, because we're making it through this and growing together. not many people get this blessing. God deemed us strong enough to make it through, and i am grateful.

tabula rasa

don't let what i've done in the past change every single thing you think about me presently. people learn from their mistakes of the past and strive to change their errors. forgive and forget. everyone needs a tabula rasa.

the child in all of us

only five year olds can rival me in the amount of excitement that rushes within me whenever i even think the words "Disney World". and now i work there. how many people get to say that their boss is THE Mouse? okay, so around 62,000. but guess what? my family just grew 62,000 people. feel free to be jealous. i get to be a kid every day. me and peter worked it out, i'm the lost boys' new mom. wendy is out. i plan on being a double agent, hello pirate weekends. hook and i are having a summer fling.

the forgotten thought process

most girls think about their wedding day and plan it from the time they turn five. it's like something clicks in our brain that someday prince charming is supposed to sweep us off our feet, fall in love with us, marry us, and then we live happily ever after. we're set up for failure. marriage is about more than just love. yes, that's a key factor, but that's not all. it's an agreement on how to live life. before you can even think about marrying the man of your dreams, you need to sit and talk about what kind of family you need to have. are your morals in tune? what are your parenting methods going to be? do you want to be parents? if so, to how many children? what happens when you don't get along with the in-laws? do you have a plan? do you have a schedule to be in a certain type of living arrangement by a certain point in your life? there are so many things to consider rather than just saying "I love him, and that is all that matters." i know im not an expert on relationships, but i've watched them flourish and fall apart and can learn from others mistakes. put thought into your relationships, they don't affect just you, nor do they just affect the present.

the words that formulate to writing

i am a stream of thought, minimalist writer. which in all actuality does not make any sense. i am inspired by hemingway in his brevity, but also enjoy kerouac in his writing that only makes sense to the people that think like he does. poe, as novel as he may be, gives too many superfluous details that just take up too much time. my writing style makes no sense, but i am not so slowly coming to terms with the fact that i, in general, am not a normal individual.

the tears that fall

each tear is a testament to how loved you were

missed

it just sucks that sometimes thats what it takes. my dad was the one in my family i related to the most. he and i were very similar in so many different aspects. we loved movies, books, big words, movies, figuring out stuff for yourself, and the peace in silence. so many years i wouldnt even let him give me a hug or a kiss on the forehead and tell me he loves me. he did this cute thing where he would come up to me and say "hey, have i told you today how much i love you?" even if he had already asked it five times that day. or he'd come home from work and open his arms and say "pay me" which was his way of asking for a hug. he loved talking about the things you aren't supposed to talk about. seriously. he'd bring up religion and politics anywhere and everywhere. he made friends with people of all ages, and loved quoting the movie Caveman... which isn't even quotable. sure, he had his flaws. everybody does. but he isn't remembered for those, because he had exponentially more things that were great about him that everybody loved.

the never ending

it's amazing how your world can stop turning. the most amazing thing? is that it doesn't for everybody else. everybody else moves on and their life continues as normal. yours doesn't. you're stuck in this rut where you walk around like a zombie. and you dont understand how other people go on functioning. you put on this wonderful facade of functionality, but you're just a shell. going through the motions that had become your routine. and you realize how truly meaningless your life is. you're stagnant. just coasting. and thats all youve been doing. you've always been a zombie but you never knew it. everyone elses lives have continued. i'm still here. fighting the never ending onslaught of tidal waves.

the oncoming desolation

some people need to be surrounded by others when they are dealing with something extraordinarily large. even some people who feel like they need to be left alone find that they need people to gather around them and hold them together to make it through. i've always been a very solitary individual, ever since i was little i've always gone off to be by myself. i like to seem like i'm very open with my emotions, but when i'm this broken i just want to be left alone. feel the blows of sadness hit my bare skin and every bit that affects my soul.

the amazing ability

that doesn't mean that it's hit me yet, though. correction, that doesn't mean that i have let it hit me. it's so intriguing that you can hold something as monumental as this at bay. the human mind is such an incredibly powerful thing. however, i'm dreadfully waiting the day that the blow will actually arrive.

the yous that have become mine

It’s weird, coping with the death of a parent. Your world stops spinning, yet you come to the realization at some point that life continues as normal for everyone else. You know that people are looking for some sort of response from you, but you don’t quite know what to say. It doesn’t hit you for a couple days, sometimes you write about it before it’s become a full reality for you. It comes on slowly, and you know that it’s coming, but you can hold it at bay for a little while longer. It creeps, and you struggle to keep it in check. People ask you how you’re doing, and sometimes you respond indignantly. Other times you have to think about why there’s a strange look on their face like they’re treading on thin ice. You think that you should be screaming out to the abyss and questioning why a life was taken, but you realize that there’s a plan in everything. You realize that it’s selfish of you to want them to stay on this earth. You’ve watched them take their last breath, and can reminisce on the good times you’ve had. You spend the last couple hours of their life surrounded by your mother, two brothers, one of their girlfriends, and your father. You talk about the good times that had been spent in each others company, and laugh about favourite movie quotes. And while its tough, you have a myriad of people surrounding you, lifting you up in prayer, and holding you while you weep. You realize that no matter how shitty things are, God is in control, and you are never alone.

If-

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To turn long after they are gone

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt ou,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

the strength that's developing

people are constantly telling me how strong they think i am for handling this so well. i don't really see it. i'm just learning how to deal with a situation that was thrown at me like a curveball. yes, it sucks. but you get over it. you figure out how to handle it and you keep on living. life isn't going to stop for you no matter how tough a situation you're going through. a diamond is formed through extreme pressure. how do we shine unless there is darkness surrounding us?

the sappy teenage drama that lies within me

recently i have been claiming, quite vehemently, about how i am never going to get married. i believe myself to fear commitment, and am deathly afraid of ending up in a non-loving relationship. but here comes that sappy, teenage romance moment. i don't believe i'll ever be able to fully give my heart to another person because i'm convinced it belongs to a boy who has continually rejected it. maybe not all of it. but a big chunk. and it's not fair to whoever i could marry to know that if that boy came strolling back into my life, i would seriously consider going back to him.

you could really make a depressing, adolescent, romance film out of that. add a sad, broken-hearted ending to really make them weep.

changes

a lot of people have been telling me that they don't understand how i'm dealing with this whole situation. but in all reality it's made me grow. life isn't always perfect, and shit happens to everybody. its how you deal with it that helps you become who you are. who wants to be who they were five years ago? definitely not me. i would be a pubescent mess. and nobody likes that.

accomplished

Today I got so much stuff done. I am absolutely proud of myself. I am almost positive that I am going to be moving to Orlando within the next week and a half, all I have tomorrow is a meeting that will basically give me the final answer. Today I was setting up meetings, emailing my professors, emailing the heads of departments, and everything. I just feel so proud of myself. I never do this kind of stuff. So tonight, I went to get Krispy Kreme as a reward.

please

do me a favour and don't fall in love with me. it's the worst thing you could do for yourself right now. honestly. i'm just a silly girl who knows she can't settle down right now. i'm too young and too full of life to be tied down. let me roam free. if it's meant to be it will happen. i'm just not quite ready yet. please let that be okay. i still have no idea who i am and i don't think that final realization will come for a long time.

the story of the heroine

my life feels like a movie. this can't be happening to me. except in my movie, there is no knight in shining armour to hold me up. i am the heroine, needing to be strong and learning to stand on her own two feet. gaining independence. figuring out how to survive through insufferable amounts of pain. but i can't help but hope that its just a dream and soon i'll wake up and everything will be better again.

the only word that makes sense

two months.

crossroads

i am having to decide within the next month (approximately) if i want to move home and attend a school that is closer to my family, or stay at samford. honestly? if i were to really do something i would move somewhere far far away and leave everything behind and start new. this is miserable having to choose what to do, because any way i decide people get hurt. so maybe if i just hurt everyone it would be a lot easier to do. what do i do. can somebody just tell me what the right decision is?

the future

as is normal for people my age, i have been doing a lot of thinking about my future. above, is a picture of it. hopefully. a life full of books and cats is all i want. i realize i've become quite obsessed with cats lately, but i finally realized why that is. i am such an independent person and more often than not need alone time and space, very much like a cat. i also love literature. which is why i can absolutely see myself as either an English teacher, or more likely as a Librarian. i would love nothing less than a house full of books. with a room like the library in beauty and the beast where all the walls consist of only books. sigh. old librarian cat lady life? yes please.

idiotic

sometimes i feel like such a dunce. i finally do something to go out of my comfort zone and i end up feeling like such an imbecile. when what i did really isnt even all that weird or out of the normal. i'm just doing what normal people who are close do and either telling them something reminded me of them, or that i think they would like a certain band. but i have to legitimately force myself to say it. i've just never been that friend that goes out and randomly texts you, except with a very select few people. it's silly really. and i realize how idiotic it is that i feel idiotic about it. my life is a never ending paradox.

the car ride leading to my joy

today i go home. and i cannot even wait. i will literally be surrounded by every single person that i love and it is going to be glorious. i have a car ride with someone i absolutely adore spending time with. and then i get home to my family who i've been dying without. and then i'm at the beach with the best roofriendie in the world. and then i get to see my best friend. along with her magnificent boyfriend and his best friend. life. thank you for being so awesome right now.

...

it is so difficult trying to get across how i want people to react to me. on the one hand i want most people to just leave me alone. i get more pitying looks in a day than i think people should get in a lifetime. i'm fully aware of my circumstances. i don't need your looks and wrist grabs to remind me when i've finally blocked it from my mind. on the other hand, i want a very select few to shake me till i fall to my knees weeping because it's too much to hold onto. and yet another people i want to understand is that it kills me daily to not be with my family at this point in my life. put yourself in my shoes. would you transfer closer to home to get the same degree but yet be closer to your family? stop asking why i want to transfer and telling me that you would die without me here. it's a difficult enough decision in itself without incorporating the opinions of everyone around me.

conflict

all i really want in life is to fall utterly and happily in love. and yet i am completely terrified of the day that that is going to happen.

business matters

i guess i have a few orders of business i must attend to. i dont want this blog to become something that i feel like i have to explain myself on. i dont want people to read this to figure out what's going on in my life. thats what actual communication is for. if you want to know what's happening, ask me personally. i also don't want to feel like i have to be constantly updating. then posts just become posts that lack passion and purpose. that's not why i am doing this. i want to blog because i want a place that i can put my thoughts that don't make sense in normal day-to-day conversation.

spring break. hurry.

utterly applicable.

the elephant in the room

I think I need to be done not talking about it. Not that I was never NOT talking about it. I just didn't talk about it much for the sake of other people. Because in your defense, I wouldn't know what to say either. But that doesn't mean I should just ignore it. It's the single most important thing that is going on in my life right now. I think you can handle that. My dad is dying of lung cancer. And as much as that sucks, it's my life and effects most decisions that I make. So if I'm blatant about it, don't be shocked or offended. Just know that I'm finally done avoiding the elephant that is taking up the entirety of every space I enter.

currently feeling

all i want to do is transfer to ucf. i'm so done with this. /dramatics

aging youth

"I am so baffled by youth. It's adulthood, but it's almost like it's not real. It fades so quickly. Even by age 30, most people look different, more weathered. Laugh lines, wrinkles, not to mention internal withering away - these all happen in adulthood, too. But not in youth. You grow up to your full height and size and pretty much your features too, but then it deteriorates. You reach an all time high, then immediately start the downward spiral.... And these two people, girl and guy, walked by, teasing each other. He had on a dress shirt, and she looked nice too. But they were flirt-hitting, you know, and it got me thinking how we're grown up, but still young, and how quickly this stage fades. I mean we're only 20, and have so much shit to experience and go through and so many lessons still to learn. And yet we're adults. and yet, while we experience the rest of life, we'll be coming down from our peak, our youth - this time."

-Sarah Beltran

[http://sarahashleyb.wordpress.com/]
Aka my roommate freshman year. Basically, I am obsessed with her. NBD.
I love having friends I can have intelligent conversations with :]

Dear You,

I know that you know I'm not okay. All I want is for you to ask me until I finally admit it to you. I understand that you don't have the right words. Just get me say no and hold me. The words aren't what I need right now.

Love always,
Me

missed.

Is it possible to miss somebody that you have never met? I certainly think so. Think about it. If you talk to an individual fairly regularly, and you go a couple days without talking, you miss them. You don't have to be missing their face or their voice, just the comfort in their words. An exchange of a thought that you know the other person would appreciate.

jaded

"I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice; it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die. The storybooks are bullshit." - Moonstruck

catnap

three hours of sleep? not so bueno. so i can only blame myself. but class is now done (yes it's only 11:40. loves it) and i am already laying in my bed. it is going to be a nap of epic proportions. oh to be a cat and just lay around and sleep all day without a care in the world.

reasoning

i was recently talking to a friend, and he told me that he had read my blog. i got really self conscious about the fact that he had read it. i've had some very honest moments on here. i started it not really thinking that people would actually read it. i realize that i advertise it but i just never would have thought people would be curious enough to follow it. i guess i was proven wrong. this friend of mine had to convince me that it's not something to feel awkward about. and i thought about it. and i knew that was true (he only speaks the truth, duh. and he's always right). so i decided to find out the reason as to why i was blogging. why put my intimate thoughts out there for the entirety of the world to see?

something that is very important to me in relationships is knowing that person down to their deepest depths. i thought i was in love with a guy for four years because we have one of those relationships where we can just talk about anything and everything. nothing is taboo. and i understand him. through thinking through this, i've come to realize that people don't know me. i'm piss poor at expressing myself. and this is a great means in which to do that.

so hello world. im rebekah larson. and i'm ready for you to see my heart.

meow

seriously. i never thought i'd see the day where i actually wanted a cat. i don't know what's happened to me. all of a sudden. BOOM. i adore cats. not more than puppies, duh. but still i want one. courtney and i are already know where its litter box could go in our current room. when i have my own cats i know exactly what i want to name them. i want a tabby named Withy, to be named after Mrs Withers, and an all black cat named Marvolo, after Tom Marvolo Riddle... I Am Voldemort. genius, right? right. i am going to be an old cat lady. my fate is set in stone.

anna and kristina don't you dare judge me.

honesty

seriously. this is exactly how i feel. i would so much rather you just tell me that you think our friendship is going down the drain rather than just dropping it like it never mattered to you. i think it shows that you really cared about me as a person and our friendship as a whole if you let me know. yes, i'll be hurt. but i'd rather be hurt by your honesty rather than by your betrayal.

battered v loved

I was talking to a friend the other day about pride in possessions. I'm pestering him, almost daily, to read The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger. I told him that he could borrow my copy if he wanted to. Then we both kind of stopped and he said that no, he would buy his own. He likes having his own copy of everything and have it on display. And immediately when I offered to borrow him my book, I thought that I wouldn't like to do that. I love my books. I underline quotes, make notes referencing other parts of the book to indicate foreshadowing, and write my opinions in the margins. I cannot wait till I have a library where the walls are filled with books,that have been obviously read several times. A book that looks brand new doesn't make me happy. It makes me feel like that book hasn't been touched once. A book that's been read several times may look as though its been battered to other people, but I think that it looks loved.

sun will rise

I think I'm ready to go back to growing up, in the maturity sense of the world. I don't regret anything that has happened to me within the past year. I've thoroughly enjoyed every single "drunkcapade" as I've come to affectionately call them. I made some fantastic friends through these journeys. I'm so much more fun when I've had a few in me. However, I can learn how to be that without the help of alcohol. I'll miss falling asleep in the arms of a cute boy, kissing my nose and telling me he thinks I'm beautiful and worth so much more than what I believe. But how much more enjoyable will that be when it's the love of my life? I can't say I'm going to miss the marijuana. Ew. Those three experiences were some of the worst in my life. I also can't say that I'm making a promise here. I'm not going to sit here an guarantee that I'll attend parties within the next 10 months and not have a drink. Or that I won't go ahead and kiss a boy that I have no feelings for. Just that I'm not going to base my weekends around these activities anymore, because I don't want those things to define me, and I don't want to depend on them for a "good time". So. Here goes nothing. Hello again, world.